That one thing…

Luke 10:41-42

“Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “…only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”

At Sky Farm, I would set the meditation timer on my phone, then just sit. Or kneel. But what then?

During the first few days, these silences were about letting the words drain away—or trying to, anyway. Words about God and prayer and Christianity. Words from books, sermons, blogs, videos, stories, songs, classes, conversations. Millions of words, accrued to me over decades.

Purple flower at Sky Farm

One thing at Sky Farm.

So I tilted my head to one side to let them pour out of my ear and into the ground. I knelt with my forehead to the carpet and let the words fall out the top of my head and disappear into the silence.

Sometimes words are just clutter, something that blocks our view.

In The Wisdom of the Desert, Thomas Merton shares this saying from the Verba Seniorum:

“It was said of Abbot Agatho that for three years he carried a stone in his mouth until he learned to be silent.”

It’s not just the words I receive that can be too much, it’s also the words that I offer. At moments it really would help to have a stone in my mouth that prevented me from speaking!

Maybe all this is why the deep silence at Sky Farm felt so necessary to me, so refreshing. Less clutter, and more of the one thing.

A trip to Sky Farm Hermitage

All I do is find my thread, you know.
….—Father Dunstan, the monk who inherited Sky Farm

Last week I had the chance to spend five nights at Sky Farm.

Deep solitude. Deep silence.

Oaks at Sky Farm

Oak trees at Sky Farm near Sonoma, California

By deep silence, what I actually mean is the wind in the oaks, the California quail yelling chi-CA-go!, chi-CA-go!, the wild turkeys clucking and purring outside my window, the acorn woodpeckers jingling the birdfeeder as they gripped it with feet and tail to peck at the sunflower seeds.

And under all these, a baseline silence, full, weighted, and strong, like an enormous magnet inside the Earth. Like gravity itself—I could hear it at Sky Farm. Bird calls and cicadas and wind above and in sync with the silence during the day, and in the night, inside my hermitage with the windows shut: silence. Blank and heavy, molten and rolling.

Cross in the meditation garden at Sky Farm

Sunset in the meditation garden

On my first day, a quiet interior voice gave me a piece of advice, repeatedly, every time my inner lover of output and acquisition told me to “get some prayer done” or “take advantage of this opportunity.” Here’s what the quiet one said:

Just let the place work on you.

So I did, or I tried. Meaning that I didn’t try. I just stayed in it, in the silence, the presence, the gravity, the holy darkness of the chapel, the quiet by the pond.

In the refectory I found a booklet called To Hear Thoroughly: Father Dunstan Morrissey talks about his life,” in which someone had transcribed things that the man had said. To Father Dunstan, the “Word” in the Judeo-Christian tradition is “the dynamic that enters silence as when Isaiah says, ‘I send my word into the world and it will not return to me void.’” Of his years of solitude in Martinique, he said, “I felt the movement from silence into manifestation, and the return to silence. That was kind of the cantus firmus [strong song] for all the daily events.”

Golden poppies at Sky Farm

Golden poppies at Sky Farm

I thought about that a lot, and even found myself muttering about it to Father Dunstan, God rest his soul, as I wandered around the grounds.

The dynamic that enters silence.

Yes.

The movement from silence into manifestation,
and the return to silence.
This is the
cantus firmus for all daily events.

Yes.

This, I think, must be one of the fundamental purposes of seeking contemplative silence: the hope of becoming more sensitive to and aligned with the deep movement of the Word. Finding the thread.

God breathing

Psalm 33:6, ICEL

God speaks: the heavens are made;
God breathes: the stars shine.

Detail from the Hubble Ultra Deep Field imageAbout 10,000 galaxies appear in the Hubble ultra-deep-field image. A detail is shown to the left, and the full image is at the bottom of this post. It’s a real picture, not an artist’s rendition, and some of the galaxies in it are more than 13 billion years old.

Last week I had a dream in which I’m walking steadily up a hill, and I’m about five paces from the top. But no matter how many steps I take, I can’t crest the hill. The view stays the same: under my feet it’s an empty, dry-grass hillside. Everywhere else, space. Galaxies, stars, and nebulae are laid out before me, with inky blackness between them. No trees, houses, telephone poles, or mountains are on the horizon, and no clouds, moon, haze, or planets are in the sky. Only the unimpeded view of deep space.

It’s dazzling. Overwhelming. I plod forward because I’m scared to stop and look up. Reaching the other side of this hill seems like a worthy and achievable goal, and if I stop walking … well, a nameless fear grips me at this point. I don’t know why this vista of space in my dream scares the pants off me, but it does.

I have a lot of free time right now, and it won’t last forever. I’d like to slow down and be present to the time that I’ve been given, but some other part of me thinks it would be best to keep my feet moving towards a worthy and seemingly achievable goal, even if all that does is make me look busy.

So the gift of my dream is this idea: What if I dared to spend more time gazing, less time in motion?

When I imaginatively reenter my dream and picture myself stopping, lying on my back in the grass, and looking up, I see myself utterly undone by terror. (Again, I really can’t put words on why!) Okay, wide-eyed staring would be too much.

But I also see that to glance up and around for a moment, just a short moment, is significant. This act changes me, and maybe (who knows?) it changes the universe itself.

Hubble Ultra-Deep Field (HUDF) image

Hubble Ultra Deep Field (HUDF) image, Wikimedia Commons. Click on the image to see a larger version of it.

The cross-section of sky shown in the image is about the size of a 1 mm by 1 mm piece of paper held at arm’s length. To observe the entire sky in such detail, the Hubble would need to operate continuously for a million years. To see pictures of other mind-blowing sights in our universe, visit the Hubble gallery.

Strong the love embracing us

Praise! Give glory to God! Nations, peoples, give glory!
Strong the love embracing us.
Faithful the Lord for ever. (Ps. 117, ICEL)

The ICEL Psalter, published in 1994 “for study and comment,” bears the imprimatur, a declaration from the Catholic church that a book is free of moral and doctrinal error.

Imprimatur for the ICEL Psalter

Front matter from the Liturgical Psalter, © 1994, International Committee on English in the Liturgy, Inc.

The imprimatur was revoked in 1998, apparently because of the translators’ use of gender-inclusive language. That was the end of the road for study and comment, as far as I know. The ICEL Psalter is out of print, and existing copies are expensive.

What a shame.

If you happen be one of the 38 people who worked on this beautiful and reverent translation (begun in 1964!), I thank you. Your work blesses me deeply and leads me closer to the living God.

The soul mirror

Psalm 69:18, ICEL

Face me, I am desperate.

The first time I walked the outdoor labyrinth at Mercy Center Burlingame was the first time I walked any labyrinth. I had no expectations. Right away, the path led me close to the center, which surprised me. Here so soon?

But the path kept going, so I kept going. I turned, turned again, turned again. What I had done, I seemed to repeat.

Then the path led me out to the edge where a pine tree threw deep shade, and sap and pinecone petals on the ground made the way less distinct. That edge is the place for tangents (which meet the edges of curves everywhere), and walking along it, I felt like I might fall right out of the circle. But that shady quadrant is close to the achieved center, if you just keep walking.

Rock in the center of the labyrinth at Mercy Center

The rock, and ...

When I turned the final corner and raised my eyes, I stopped, stunned. I’d already noticed the enormous rock in the center of the labyrinth, of course. But when I stood facing it, having traveled a winding path to reach it, I was facing myself. In that moment the rock was a mirror, a mirror that shows soul.

It’s been years since that shock, and it’s never happened again, no matter how many times I’ve walked that labyrinth or any other. I have some expectation now about what I’ll find, and so I never quite find it.

Even so, meaning unfolds for me on the path.

Yesterday I was at Mercy Center again, and I gazed at that rock for a long time. It’s weathered. Storms have pressured it, hands have touched it, gravity and the elements and the years have changed its shape, ever so slightly. Lichen has colored and hardened parts of it, and small nicks and breaks have changed its jaggedness.

Me

Walking in, I drag a world of storms and dissolution behind me. Events pressure me, hands touch me, gravity and the years reshape my jaggedness. I receive, receive, receive, and then I need to haul it all to the center of the labyrinth and dump it out like a box of broken glass and say, “Here it is. I don’t know what to do with it.”

Though I still don’t know what to do with it, at least I don’t have to drag it back out with me. A subtle shift occurs. Having faced the center, having been faced, I’m simpler and cleaner, more solid, more grounded. More like a rock.

.

How these things are forgotten

In “The Bowl of Roses” (full text below), the poet Rilke spends eight lines painting an ugly picture. And then:

But now you know how these things are forgotten:
for here before you stands a bowl full of roses…

Thus begin sixty-four exquisite lines of instruction on how these things are forgotten. Eight lines of discarded gazes and pure hate are balanced by sixty-four lines in which roses dampen down their inner power to see, as if better to concentrate on the alchemy of distilling a deep and beautiful truth.

A fawn and Rosie

A fawn gazing in at Rosie

In the poem’s economy, to forget each one line of evil, you need eight lines of beauty. That ratio seems about right.

A few mornings ago a fawn stopped outside my window where I live in the Oakland hills. Its fear gave way to curiosity when it saw our cat Rosie, and it stood for a long time, intent on Rosie’s every move.

It was close enough for me to see its dark, dilated pupils, its straight eyelashes, and the white markings on its black nose. I tried not to startle it, because I wanted more time to gaze.

It was fully present. Its own life filled it. It made me think of Rilke’s rose “containing nothing but itself.”

Gazing at this lovely wild animal as it gazed at Rosie … I forgot a few things.


The Bowl of Roses

You saw angry ones flare, saw two boys
clump themselves together into a something
that was pure hate, thrashing in the dirt
like an animal set upon by bees;
actors, piled up exaggerators,
careening horses crashed to the ground,
their gaze discarded, baring their teeth
as if the skull peeled itself out through the mouth.

But now you know how these things are forgotten:
for here before you stands a bowl full of roses,
which is unforgettable and filled up
with ultimate instances of being and bowing down,
of offering themselves, of being unable to give, of standing there
almost as part of us: ultimates for us too.

Noiseless life, endlessly opening,
filling space without taking space away
from the space other things in it diminish,
almost without an outline, like something omitted,
and pure inwardness, with much curious softness,
shining into itself—right up to the rim:
is anything as known to us as this?

And this: that a feeling arises
because petals are being touched by petals?
And this: that one opens itself, like a lid,
and beneath lies nothing but eyelids,
all closed, as if tenfold sleep
had to dampen down an inner power to see.
And, above all, this: that through these petals
light has to pass. Slowly they filter out
from a thousand skies the drop of darkness
in whose fiery glow the jumbled bundle
of stamens becomes aroused and rears up.

And look, what activity in the roses:
movements with angles of deflection so small
no one would see them, were it not
for infinite space where their rays diverge.

See this white one, so blissfully opened,
standing among its huge spreading petals
like a Venus upright in her shell;
and how this one, the blushing one, turns,
as if confused, toward the cooler one,
and how the cooler one, impassive, draws back,
and the cold one stands tightly wrapped in itself
among these opened ones, that shed everything.
And what they shed, how it can be
at once light and heavy, a cloak, a burden,
a wing, and a mask, it all depends,
and how they shed it: as before a lover.

Is there anything they can’t be: wasn’t this yellow one
that lies here hollow and open the rind
of a fruit of which the same yellow,
concentrated, more orange-red, was the juice?
And this one, could opening have been too much for it,
since, touched by air, its indescribable pink
has picked up the bitter aftertaste of lilac?
And isn’t this batiste one a dress, with
the chemise still inside it, soft and breath-warm,
both of them flung off together
in morning shade at the bathing pool in the woods?
And this, opalescent porcelain,
fragile, a shallow china cup
filled with little lighted butterflies,—
and this one, containing nothing but itself.

And aren’t they all doing the same: simply containing themselves,
if to contain oneself means: to transform the world outside
and wind and rain and patience of spring
and guilt and restlessness and disguised fate
and darkness of earth at evening
all the way to the errancy, flight, and coming on of clouds
all the way to the vague influence of the distant stars
into a handful of inwardness.

Now it lies free of cares in the open roses.

–Rainer Maria Rilke, in The Essential Rilke, by Galway Kinnell and Hannah Liebmann

The inner round table

Psalm 51:6

You desire truth in the inward being;
therefore teach me wisdom in my secret heart.

In the metaphor of the inner round table, I gather whatever is true inside me around the central and organizing Truth. That central and organizing Truth is like the steady flame of a candle. In gathering the parts of myself around it, I simply notice…and let it be.

the inner round table

I’m trying to practice this more often: gently being present to what’s in me, both the parts of me that I like, and the parts that I’d just as soon pretend not to see.

Who’s around the table today?

Ah, I see you. Welcome.

Maybe through this practice, I’m allowing God to bring about more of something that God desires: truth in my inward being.

An alternative is that one of the “guests” takes over the party and moves into the center, throwing the other guests into the shadows. The little bit of envy in me starts to direct my actions without my conscious involvement, and my joy goes unnoticed and unexpressed. Or all I see of me is the technical writer, and other parts are pushed out to make room. Artist? What artist?

But the central Truth, the deep enigma of God, organizes and right-sizes all my parts. Centered around the deep Truth, maybe I can learn wisdom in my secret heart.


The metaphor of the inner round table was developed by Chelsea Wakefield, LCSW, a therapist and dreamworker in North Carolina.

A non-anxious presence

I was recently in western Michigan at a retreat, and I spent time with Lake Michigan—a living being, a new and subtle friend. The sun on the water, the rocks, the rain, the waves that were loud one day and quiet the next. A lake that curls like the ocean, yet smells like plain water.

The beach in Saugatuck, Michigan.

During the break one afternoon I swam, and it was a highlight of my trip.

Even far from shore, the water was shallow enough that I could stand, waist deep, on ripples of soft sand. I had fun striding around out there, watching the clouds pass across the sun, watching the moods swing across the water’s surface as the bright light came and went.

And then I noticed that we were alone, the lake and I. It was a private meeting, and so I started to sing. I sang Bruce Cockburn’s All the Diamonds, in its entirety, three times. I think the lake enjoyed being described that way.

There was conversation, too. I cried and told the lake a few things, and she listened and held what I said. That lake is my new definition of a “non-anxious presence.” She can hold grief, death, anger, and tears, strongly and gently, and she’s not at all afraid.

But it’s not just the difficult emotions that she holds.

As I came back to shore, a couple arrived with their old golden retriever. She was so old that her entire muzzle was white, and she had lumps and bumps all over her body. On land she was creaky and slow, but when she splashed her way into the water: joy.

I saw the dog’s joy with my eyes, but my feet were still in the water, and I felt…well, this might sound strange, but my feet felt the lake’s joy. She and the old dog welcomed each other like dear friends, with deep affection, and without words.

My hope is that I brought a little bit of Lake Michigan home with me. Maybe I can grow in my ability to stay present to whatever comes, to hold whatever is true, without fear or a flutter of anxious words and activity. A non-anxious presence.